To my husband I've become emotionally closed off to..
To my friend I've become distant with..
To my family members I lied to when you asked me how I was doing..
It's not you, it's me.
Infertility has completely consumed me and my life. It's all I think about. I struggle day to day, to keep it together. Emotionally and physically. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted waiting for the next appointment, waiting for the next set of blood work results, waiting for our next cycle. I'm exhausted having to put a smile on my face when I'm not happy.
I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated.
Why me? Is this my karma? Did I do this to myself? Have I treated my body in such a way that it's failing me?
I want to be positive, I want to be hopeful but it's hard. I am at my breaking point and it's easier to close myself off to than fake my way through the day.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Being the eldest of three younger siblings and two cousins I was always the designated babysitter and I was totally ok with that. I never had a set plan, or an age that this would happen.. I just knew that I wanted to be a mama. I don't know if there's some switch in our bodies that just clicks one day, or if it was being around all my sweet friends babies, or a combination of both. But when I decided that it was my turn, I like, REALLY wanted it to be my turn. Now granted our bodies are biologically programmed to reproduce, I realize this is probably a pretty normal way to feel.
I had a gut feeling this would not be easy. Maybe, everyone initially thinks that. But I just had a feeling. And when it didn't happen right away for us, I just knew it was going to be an uphill battle.
I don't know how to say this without coming off like an asshole, but when I want something.. I will get it. I will do whatever it takes, work how ever many hours, learn how to do the task, save how ever much it costs. Whatever it takes.
So when there was nothing I could about our infertility, I didn't really know how to cope with it. [CUE diving head first into my entrepreneurial journey]
After seeing a few useless doctors we were finally referred to the fertility clinic where we did about 642 tests to end up with then unsatisfying diagnosis of "unexplained" infertility. Maybe you're being quick to judge and just think we didn't try. Oh we tried. And if it was on google, in a book, on a podcast, in cosmopolitan, or your friend's cousin said it would help get you pregnant, we tried that too.
We also tried 3 rounds of clomid, which gets like everybody pregnant right? You know, "insert name" had twins from clomid. That also failed us.
So we were put on the waitlist for IVF. Waiting, waiting. Always waiting. I wanted the time to pass by as fast as it could that I let a whole year slip by without even knowing. Completely unaware.
It was my 26th birthday and I couldn't be more thrilled to be starting my injections. Seems kind of odd right, someone wanting to inject themselves with needles.. and enjoy it! They weren't so bad. Fairly painless actually. I know a lot of women experience some pretty nasty side affects from the drugs but over all I was pretty lucky. Bloated to the point of extreme discomfort but that's basically it.
My body ended up reacting SO well to the drugs that they were able to retrieve 23 eggies from me, and 21 of them fertilized.
They froze our sweet little eggies right away and we are now awaiting a frozen transfer... your good vibes are appreciated. Thank-you for the love + support.
{To be continued...}
*Side note... if you are on a fertility journey of your own and have questions, feel free to reach out. I know how intimidating it can be, and I know I spent a lot of time googling for answers.
- T